Precious Moments
I got a job as a bartender at Casanova’s where Kay was a waitress. The moment I met her, I was struck by her brilliant blue eyes and calm demeanor. That restaurant would get crazy and chaotic. Kay was always calm no matter what was happening.
One day, I invited her to attend a Satsang with Ngeton. The rest is Spiritual unfolding history. We would spend the following years in Satsang and retreat with Ngeton where we shared in the Dharma and forged a friendship based in mutual encouragement, Love and Truth….
Leave it to us to get right down to business. This was an opportunity and although it was unspoken we both knew it. This was part of my feeling of urgency and before walking into that room I was devastated that I was losing my friend and Sangha sister. I was under no delusion that I had any control or even knowledge of her journey ahead but I knew that being present and sharing in whatever arises in light of the situation and the resonance Love was and is the core of who we are.
“I was doing White Tara when I didn’t feel present.” she said, “Will you chant?” “Of course.” I said as I sat next to her bed. I chanted softly touching her hand as she closed her eyes. Then a visitor arrived and I sat as she talked with him. After a short time and after saying goodbye to him, he talked a little more and then she said to him “Go take a nice long walk.” He left. Her honesty, unfiltered and and compassionate way of communicating was beautiful to watch. We talked about the moment of passing, leaving loved ones and chocolate cake. After discerning that having chocolate cake wasn’t an option, I asked her if she wanted a warm broth. She said, “Yes, but don’t do too much.” Kay’s love care and for me and everyone who came to visit kept bowling me over. The nurse came in to do something and Kay wanted me to leave the room. I headed home to make her a broth. Later that afternoon I returned. My sister had spent some quality time with her and was leaving. I met a very sweet man who was sitting by her bedside. I sat quietly as they were together. At one point he lovingly said to her that ‘the other side was bright and beautiful.’ To which she gently replied, “How do you know?” There it was. Quintessential Kay…simplicity and honesty rooted in deep wisdom and genuine curiosity. This is one of the many things I will miss. There were times when I would speak with her about something and her response would be clear, short and to the point. After he left, Kay smiled and said, “Isn’t he wonderful?” She went on to say that with so many good people around that she felt enlivened. We sat together and I chanted again adding in The Heart Sutra Mantra which she loved. She closed her eyes peacefully. When she awoke again, I shared a spontaneous insight that was a joyful recognition for both of us. She then shared an insight about an aspect of my teaching. Her own wisdom journey of teaching and life experience was shining through her insight. Kay was such a gifted teacher and I am so grateful for her encouragement and wisdom.
There we were. Together. Nowhere to go and nothing to do. The years of her deep practice and spiritual unfolding was so strong in her Being. I had asked her if she was in pain. She wasn’t. She didn’t need any pain medication. Throughout my time with her, she asked about some of the people we both knew, including our Sangha. Our conversations were not lengthy or extraneous. Most of the time we were just being. Kay didn’t talk to anybody about anything that she didn’t want to talk about. So honest.
In the late afternoon, Kay was expecting her friend from LA, (who I knew from many years ago from retreats) to arrive at any moment. She asked if I would stay and hang out when she got there. I agreed. When she arrived, we hugged and simultaneously took a deep breath together. We sat and talked. When her friend stepped out to go to the bathroom, Kay told me that she really wanted us to connect. I realized that Kay didn’t want that for herself. She wanted it for us.
I told her that I would be leaving so that the two of them could have some time together and that I would be back tomorrow afternoon with a better broth. She couldn’t drink the first one because it was very peppery…way too much ginger. By the way if I could have liquified chocolate cake I would have.
The next day, I was on the phone with a friend who was checking in. I was talking about Kay and our time together. I kept feeling chills in my body and a joyful lightness. The more we talked about Kay the happier we both got. Shortly after I called the hospital and also texted my friend to see if Kay was awake. She had passed.
Our inspiring friendship and journey of awakening is forever in my heart. I am filled with gratitude to have shared this life with her. I know many of you who are reading this feel the same way and also have your precious moments with Kay in your heart.
After her passing, I found out from a person who is very dear to me and is also a very knowledgable practitioner, that White Tara Practice is very good before entering the Bardo. The Bardo in Tibetan Buddhism is the intermediate state between death and rebirth. I was so heartened to know that as Kay had been doing the practice for 2 weeks prior to her passing. I can say with certainty that I don’t know what happened at the moment of her passing or her journey afterward. But I can say that in my time with her the day before her passing that I felt the depth and strength of her spirit, Kay is a warrior…
Many years ago, I was sitting under a tree with another friend of mine during a Ngeton retreat. We loved considering the Dharma and wisdom teachings. I can’t remember who said it first but the question was, “What is one thing you know for sure?”
My friend said, “I know that there is information in a bird’s song.”
I pondered for a moment and said, “I know there is Grace.”